Make a Deal with God
by breeshell
Summary: A short story of the life of Lawrence Kutner as seen from someone he left behind.


**Disclaimer: **only Sonora is mine, song lyrics are to "Running Up that Hill"

-*-

**i.** _And if I only could, make a deal with God_

They were happy, weren't they? Sonora thinks to herself as she stands in front of the mirror, smoothing out the creases in her black dress. Her hair is pulled back, the way he liked it. She had a beautiful bone structure, he told her once while touching her cheek. Even though she knows he's not there, she can still faintly feel his fingers on that spot. She reaches up to touch it and holds back a tear. He gave her books; she wrote him notes and placed them, secretly in his locker during his shift.

On the dresser is a picture of the two of them at an amusement park. They were smiling, standing close together. Yes, she decides. They had been happy. But for the moment, she can't stand to see the picture so she pushes it down and briskly walks out of her bedroom, grabbing her purse off the door handle as she does.

For a moment, she is almost afraid to walk out of her apartment. In here she's safe, she can create an illusion that he is alive, that he's just working, or visiting his parents or even sitting in his own apartment playing the video games he loved so much. If she stays here, she can pretend that he will show up any minute. But she knows this is foolish. Nothing she wishes or dreams will bring him back. She checks herself in the mirror once again, making sure her hair is perfect, make-up acceptable, dress free of lint and cat hair. With a deep breath, she walks out into the harsh reality that the man she believed she was falling in love with (and thought maybe was falling in love with her) was dead, and by his own hand.

**ii.** _'cause I'm gonna lose you, yes, I'm gonna lose you_

She doesn't remember how they met, but she knows it was a chance encounter. She is a nurse in pediatrics; he works down on the first floor. He was up checking on a patient, she over heard him talking about Harry Potter. She laughed, made a comment and that was that. It seemed that there wasn't a time in which they weren't together after that.

She parks her car at the temple. It was hard to find a spot, so many people are here to say goodbye. She recognizes a few people from her floor as well as his. There is a woman who is tall and has dark hair. Her eyes are a shade of blue she's never seen, but Sonora recognizes this woman. She was a co-worker, they went out for drinks once or twice. In this moment, Sonora can't remember the woman's name.

Sonora locks her car and heads in. Her stomach twists and she feels as if she may throw up, but she keeps it in and walks as steadily and quickly as she can inside. It's basically a mausoleum, there are markers all along the hall where everyone filters in. It's dark and dusty. She manages to get a spot near the front where she sees all is co-workers and his parents. She hasn't met them yet, but she's seen pictures.

The coffin is in the front of the hall, a bouquet of purple flowers on top. She shakes now. For a moment she wishes it was open-casket, so maybe she could say goodbye, but then she realizes his head is probably so disfigured from the bullet, he wouldn't look like himself.

The woman with the dark hair turns back, they make eye contact. Sonora holds her breath and the woman turns her head back to the front. Sonora remembers; her name is Thirteen.

**iii.** _But see how deep the bullet lies, unaware that I'm tearing you asunder_

She found out at work, hours after it happened. She was at the nurse's station, eating lunch, wondering why he wasn't there to eat with her. They agreed to meet for lunch that day, she remembers this, and she will always remember it. But she sat, nibbling at her sandwich. Doctors passed, patients passed, time passed.

Dr. Wilson came off the elevator. That wasn't uncommon. Most of the children in the ward had cancer. But he didn't go to a patient's room or to a resident's office. He stopped specifically at the station. He had a sad look in his eyes, but then again, Dr. Wilson always had a sad look upon him, but there was tremble in his voice. She stopped eating and walked closer to the desk where he was leaning, he whispered.

"Dr. Kutner, he died this morning," Dr Wilson said, quietly. His fingers tapped along the surface of the desk. The nurses gasped, a doctor leaned back in his chair.

Sonora felt like a punch to the gut, she couldn't have heard that correctly, Dr. Wilson had to have been mistaken, there had to maybe be a different Dr. Kutner. "Excuse me?" Sonora said. "Dr. Kutner from Diagnostics?" she prayed there was another doctor in the hospital.

"I'm afraid so," Dr. Wilson said. "I'm very sorry Nurse Carter." he swallowed hard.

"How?" she found herself asking, but she no longer felt she was in her own body. She was floating above herself, watching a nurse in purple scrubs hold tightly to a necklace with one hand while the other braced against the desk.

Dr. Wilson leaned closer, then back. "I don't think now is the right time-"

"Please," she asked. She had to know. She just saw him...he was fine.

He took a breath. He hadn't planned on telling the whole hospital the cause of death, only those who worked closely with him, but he knew Nurse Carter was involved. "He shot himself." Dr. Wilson whispered. "I am, very sorry."

And then she knew she wasn't in her body. "I have to go." she said. She walked away from the desk and blindly made her way down the hall.

"Carter!" Dr. Wilson called. "Sonora!" Her nurse friends went after her, but she didn't hear and she couldn't feel.

**iv.** _you wanna hear about the deal i'm making?_

After the initial service, the casket is carried to the crematory. Sonora thinks this is morbid, but its part of Hindu tradition she's told. They all gather outside the temple to watch the smoke from his body ascend to the sky. It's supposed to be his soul passing on.

She stands near the woman called Thirteen and watches the smoke pour of the chimney, it is barely visible against the backdrop of the grey sky and clouds. She tries to turn back time in her head. Maybe she could have helped. Or stopped him. What would have happened if she called in sick that morning and surprised him with a visit?

She looks at his parents. His mother cries, his father holds her. Sonora thinks of going up to them, expressing her condolences, but she knows better. It won't make them feel better, it will make them wonder why she couldn't have helped.

There is a hand on her should, small and trembling. She turns seeing Thirteen, tears in her eyes. "Do you remember me?" she asks. Her voice is low and husky.

"Yes," Sonora answers.

"I'm very sorry."

"Thank you." she is surprised.

Thirteen backs away, unsure of what else to say. Sonora watches the sky, hoping that her lover's soul really is returning to the sky and to God.

**v.** _Let me steal this moment from you now_

They lay on his bed in the middle of the afternoon. Music played on the radio, low and rhythmic. He was on his back, propped up by a pillow; she rested her head on his stomach, curling one arm around his waist. He had a hand in the tangled curls of her hair.

"I'm going away for the weekend," she said. "I'll be back Sunday night."

"Do you want to come over?" he asked.

"We'll see." She ran her hand over his lower stomach, just above the line of sheet that covered his body. He was naked under the covers and so was she. His skin was warm and goose bumps rose when she dipped her hand over his pelvis. "Tell me you want me." she said.

"I want you."

He moved over top her and they made love. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and shoulder; he held her hand as they moved as one.

"Lawrence," she whispered. He made her see stars and colors. She thought of this moment, hoping she could freeze it forever, keep it stored in a bottle. She thought of their happiness. Now in this moment, she thought, they are happy.

_And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road_


End file.
